seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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