I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
