My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
