I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
