I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
