Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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