I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
