Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
