We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
