then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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