You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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