Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
