Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
