Soap is not a condiment
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
