You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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