I slept with him to see his dog one last time
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
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Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
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If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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