dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
