would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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