I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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