I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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