i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
