my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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