I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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