He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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