Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
