I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
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but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
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I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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