phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
sarcasm needs its own font
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
