I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
