I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
