The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
