The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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