Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
