my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
