Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
