Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
