she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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