woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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