My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
