If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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