Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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