you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Enjoy the penises
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
