At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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