My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
