The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
