Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
