I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
did you just send me my own nude
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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