Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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