When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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