What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
