Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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