Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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