i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
