Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize