Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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